After years of self inflicted abuse through mindless activities that only continued to reinforce the feelings that were instilled in me as a little girl, I finally began to heal through the active practice of mindfulness, meditation and yoga. The journey was long and on its road were left many low points, break-ups, potential jobs, relationships and most regretfully a fatherless child. My biggest lesson was forgiveness. I say forgiveness in the most unconventional way, because I had to learn to forgive myself for holding on to the blame, hate and accusations I held dear to my heart for everyone I ever thought hurt me or tried to hurt me. Once I let go of the hate that was attached to self-loathing, shame and guilt, I found my self-value. Self-value is so important for someone who has learned that the only true value there is to have in this world is sexuality.
Through mindfulness, meditation and yoga I understood my entire life had been structured around this self-belief that I should give up on my dreams and aspirations because I would never be good enough to attain them. So, out the window went my dreams of becoming a writer, producer or actress. I had even given up on the idea that I could be deserving of marriage or a happy family. Most painful were the bouts of numbness I would go through when I would use alcohol and highly dangerous activities to numb the agony of my belief.
The truth I learned about my sexuality is that I was allowing my shame and guilt of the false belief that I had about myself keep me stuck in the story that I would never be good enough for anything better than what I could offer through sex and being sexy. Because many times I allowed my ego to lead me into the belief that I needed to continue working in the adult entertainment industry for money. I know for a fact that many of my friends, associates and family members could easily label me as the struggling writer, actress, entrepreneur and single mother. I was always broke and struggling except when I was really working in a strip club or some other adult entertainment endeavor. And like my abuse as a child it was kept highly secret lest it bring shame to the family. Therefore, even though my family was fully aware of what I was doing they felt helpless to help. How can you help something that is supposedly non-existent? Healing begins with acceptance of the truth. The next step is forgiveness. Begin with baby-steps. Start by forgiving what you feel you can. Gradually and with practice you will want to forgive everything and everyone that causes you anger or any emotional discomfort. It takes patience and a great deal of perseverance but you will soon begin to see a change in yourself. It will start with being calm when stressful situations arise. Stick with it, I promise you will soon feel more joy in your life. I wish you much healing. With love, Sandra
Through mindfulness, meditation and yoga I understood my entire life had been structured around this self-belief that I should give up on my dreams and aspirations because I would never be good enough to attain them. So, out the window went my dreams of becoming a writer, producer or actress. I had even given up on the idea that I could be deserving of marriage or a happy family. Most painful were the bouts of numbness I would go through when I would use alcohol and highly dangerous activities to numb the agony of my belief.
The truth I learned about my sexuality is that I was allowing my shame and guilt of the false belief that I had about myself keep me stuck in the story that I would never be good enough for anything better than what I could offer through sex and being sexy. Because many times I allowed my ego to lead me into the belief that I needed to continue working in the adult entertainment industry for money. I know for a fact that many of my friends, associates and family members could easily label me as the struggling writer, actress, entrepreneur and single mother. I was always broke and struggling except when I was really working in a strip club or some other adult entertainment endeavor. And like my abuse as a child it was kept highly secret lest it bring shame to the family. Therefore, even though my family was fully aware of what I was doing they felt helpless to help. How can you help something that is supposedly non-existent? Healing begins with acceptance of the truth. The next step is forgiveness. Begin with baby-steps. Start by forgiving what you feel you can. Gradually and with practice you will want to forgive everything and everyone that causes you anger or any emotional discomfort. It takes patience and a great deal of perseverance but you will soon begin to see a change in yourself. It will start with being calm when stressful situations arise. Stick with it, I promise you will soon feel more joy in your life. I wish you much healing. With love, Sandra
RSS Feed