A couple of months ago Frankie spilled liquid on my laptop. You can just imagine my gut reaction when I found out four-hours later. Anger and frustration slowly turned to pure rage. I verbally lashed out at my son with such intensity, that I even scared myself. As his little eyes blurred up with tears and his mouth turned downwards, I felt the deep pain of regret, shame and guilt that comes from being in my reactivity. Gratefully, I had enough love for my son that I recognized how much my reactive response hurt him. Clearly the message I had just sent him was that, “making mistakes leads to severe and intense rage.” Was this the type of behavior I wanted to see from him the next time anyone around him broke, borrowed or changed something without him knowing? The incident left me questioning who I was being as a person anytime someone broke, borrowed or changed something of mine. Having experienced my own degrees of child hood abuse through verbal lashings, I knew this was not in integrity with the example I wanted for my son’s upbringing. It was enough to make me realize that a drastic transformation had to happen in my way of being towards my son’s ignorance of life and the consequences that occur from thoughless actions.
Since 2015, I have taken a deep journey of self-inquiry and self-discovery. This all began after I had experienced being severely hurt in a fight at a strip club I had been working at during that time in my life. The fight had physically left me with staples on my head and a bloody gash on the left side of my eye (basically I got clocked on the head with a stiletto and one of the other girls punched me with a sharp item on the side of the face) I remember being in the emergency room with the police and the nurse answering questions and thinking to myself, “Oh, my God what the hell am I doing with my life?” Sadly, this was not the first time I had asked myself this question. What was different this time was that the incident made me more determined to change and continue on my path towards growth.
On my journey of self-discovery I have learned great understandings about conditioned neurological pathways of thinking. Meaning, we all have thoughts that run through our mind which are inherited from a long lineage of other thoughts. Consider that your parents or caretakers have left behind a beautiful subliminal gift for you of conditioned thoughts that have been handed down through generations and NOW they are yours. I know that my own conditioned beliefs and thoughts have been created by some very dysfunctional adults. Fast forward to present moment with Frankie and here I am screaming through a rage filled network of neurological connections that are very clearly setting off chemicals to ignite feelings and sensations of: rage, hate, intense frustration and ultimately self-hatred.
I had to step on the brakes. I had to make some very harsh but firm decisions if my circumstances where to change for the sake of my son and our happiness. I had to give up parenting to someone else who was more capable and able to take on such a responsibility, my sister. My sister and I have a very delicate relationship. When I say delicate, I mean, we work at being a family with great levels of PATIENCE. Basically, if it wasn’t because she is family, I probably would not be her friend or as close to her as we are now.
One thing my sister has always been is a loyal sibling and caretaker. Put it this way, she sacrificed a six-figure corporate career to become a Spanish teacher at her daughter’s Catholic school. That’s my sister. And when I called her up and told her that I did not know what to do but that I did know that it wasn’t healthy for Frank to be around me anymore she stepped in without question.
What had to happened in order for this shift to occur? I had to put aside my pride in order to serve something bigger than myself, my son. I had to step away from the feelings of shame and blame and be in the moment of what my son needed. For many parents having gut wrenching reactions to something the kids are doing is an-every moment event. Because they are children and they are growing, learning, experimenting and just doing. It’s our job as adults to understand the difference between teaching and reacting. Teaching leads to growth. Reacting leads to pain.
Namaste- Sandra xoxo
Since 2015, I have taken a deep journey of self-inquiry and self-discovery. This all began after I had experienced being severely hurt in a fight at a strip club I had been working at during that time in my life. The fight had physically left me with staples on my head and a bloody gash on the left side of my eye (basically I got clocked on the head with a stiletto and one of the other girls punched me with a sharp item on the side of the face) I remember being in the emergency room with the police and the nurse answering questions and thinking to myself, “Oh, my God what the hell am I doing with my life?” Sadly, this was not the first time I had asked myself this question. What was different this time was that the incident made me more determined to change and continue on my path towards growth.
On my journey of self-discovery I have learned great understandings about conditioned neurological pathways of thinking. Meaning, we all have thoughts that run through our mind which are inherited from a long lineage of other thoughts. Consider that your parents or caretakers have left behind a beautiful subliminal gift for you of conditioned thoughts that have been handed down through generations and NOW they are yours. I know that my own conditioned beliefs and thoughts have been created by some very dysfunctional adults. Fast forward to present moment with Frankie and here I am screaming through a rage filled network of neurological connections that are very clearly setting off chemicals to ignite feelings and sensations of: rage, hate, intense frustration and ultimately self-hatred.
I had to step on the brakes. I had to make some very harsh but firm decisions if my circumstances where to change for the sake of my son and our happiness. I had to give up parenting to someone else who was more capable and able to take on such a responsibility, my sister. My sister and I have a very delicate relationship. When I say delicate, I mean, we work at being a family with great levels of PATIENCE. Basically, if it wasn’t because she is family, I probably would not be her friend or as close to her as we are now.
One thing my sister has always been is a loyal sibling and caretaker. Put it this way, she sacrificed a six-figure corporate career to become a Spanish teacher at her daughter’s Catholic school. That’s my sister. And when I called her up and told her that I did not know what to do but that I did know that it wasn’t healthy for Frank to be around me anymore she stepped in without question.
What had to happened in order for this shift to occur? I had to put aside my pride in order to serve something bigger than myself, my son. I had to step away from the feelings of shame and blame and be in the moment of what my son needed. For many parents having gut wrenching reactions to something the kids are doing is an-every moment event. Because they are children and they are growing, learning, experimenting and just doing. It’s our job as adults to understand the difference between teaching and reacting. Teaching leads to growth. Reacting leads to pain.
Namaste- Sandra xoxo
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