In my home there was a little boy who lived with us. He was the owners’ grandson. Like myself, he had his own tragic story of abandonment by his parents, which is why his grandma was taking care of him. What I remember most about my experience with this little boy was that everything I had, which he wanted, would eventually end up in his hands. There was this type of totalitarian way of it happening.
My mother would often send my sister and myself gifts, usually toys. When they arrived, if the boy loved the toys, I wouldn’t have a chance to touch the toy. If the grandmother decided that I should have the toy, eventually she would take it away from me and give it to the boy. There were no questions asked, no explanation, no easing me away from the attachment to the toy. It was simply put, take it out of my hands and into his.
These memories where stored away, deep in my subconscious to consciously return over and over again. They manifest in all various types of beliefs about who I perceive myself to be. The main belief was, “I can't trust,” followed by, “I am not loved,” “I am not worthy”. These beliefs haunt me to this day. The pain I feel when they arise are equivalent to being stabbed in the chest. When they arrive, it is a knowing feeling of deep pain, followed by intense crying.
This morning I had this pain and I realized it was time to let go of the attachment. I got up at 2:00AM and started writing what I know is my testimony. A testimony that I will release into a silent jury of letters and words.
To this little boy, who like me and through no fault of his own, was abandoned by his mother and father. I am sorry that I did not share my toys with you. I am sorry when I did not want to play with you. I am sorry that I did not live my joy through your own enjoyment of “things” I loved most. I am sorry that I did not see myself through your eyes. Two young children so different and yet so similar.
You were my partner. The one that truly understood my loneliness. The one person who shared the same life experience, same moments. Although, I have no way of truly seeing your own thoughts. I am certain, deep down, that we had the same desires, to be wanted and loved.
I now declare into the abyss of life, that holds me in a place of limbo with agonizing memories that pull me apart over and over again… I detach myself from the very things I thought were mine to have. I detach myself from the toys I wished to play with. I detach myself from Topollilo, my favorite toy of all time.
Instead I stand now in gratitude of the memory of knowing that someone who had been abandoned by his parents was able to live joy through something I had to give and offer.
I know I am worthy, I know I am loved.
I am forgiveness, I am peace. I am the light that shines within ALL.
AND maybe right now I don’t truly feel this experience of enlighten words but putting it down on paper is a small step down my long journey of healing.
Namaste
My mother would often send my sister and myself gifts, usually toys. When they arrived, if the boy loved the toys, I wouldn’t have a chance to touch the toy. If the grandmother decided that I should have the toy, eventually she would take it away from me and give it to the boy. There were no questions asked, no explanation, no easing me away from the attachment to the toy. It was simply put, take it out of my hands and into his.
These memories where stored away, deep in my subconscious to consciously return over and over again. They manifest in all various types of beliefs about who I perceive myself to be. The main belief was, “I can't trust,” followed by, “I am not loved,” “I am not worthy”. These beliefs haunt me to this day. The pain I feel when they arise are equivalent to being stabbed in the chest. When they arrive, it is a knowing feeling of deep pain, followed by intense crying.
This morning I had this pain and I realized it was time to let go of the attachment. I got up at 2:00AM and started writing what I know is my testimony. A testimony that I will release into a silent jury of letters and words.
To this little boy, who like me and through no fault of his own, was abandoned by his mother and father. I am sorry that I did not share my toys with you. I am sorry when I did not want to play with you. I am sorry that I did not live my joy through your own enjoyment of “things” I loved most. I am sorry that I did not see myself through your eyes. Two young children so different and yet so similar.
You were my partner. The one that truly understood my loneliness. The one person who shared the same life experience, same moments. Although, I have no way of truly seeing your own thoughts. I am certain, deep down, that we had the same desires, to be wanted and loved.
I now declare into the abyss of life, that holds me in a place of limbo with agonizing memories that pull me apart over and over again… I detach myself from the very things I thought were mine to have. I detach myself from the toys I wished to play with. I detach myself from Topollilo, my favorite toy of all time.
Instead I stand now in gratitude of the memory of knowing that someone who had been abandoned by his parents was able to live joy through something I had to give and offer.
I know I am worthy, I know I am loved.
I am forgiveness, I am peace. I am the light that shines within ALL.
AND maybe right now I don’t truly feel this experience of enlighten words but putting it down on paper is a small step down my long journey of healing.
Namaste
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