I can't quite remember when I started to feel worthless but I do remember the day my Mother took my suicidal threats seriously.
Before I begin this section I would like you to know that my current relationship with my family is one of complete support, patience, understanding and love. This is in part a two way street of respect for each other. I love and am fully supported by my family. I speak to my Mom at least three times a day and if it wasn't for her I don't know how I would be raising my son. She is my life partner, my blessing and I consider myself very lucky to have her in my life. Which is why you will be surprised to know that when I was a teenager I told a psychiatrist that I hoped a truck would run over her and that her head would pop off.
Around the age of 15 I began to feel intense anxiety and anger. In school I was quiet and shy but at home it was a battle zone. Unknowingly my Mom was adding to my growing depression. It took many years for me to understand that she was just trying to discipline me the only way she knew how and probably the way she was raised. But all of the things she was saying and doing where a constant reaffirmation of how hopeless and worthless I was feeling inside. Up and until the age of about 13 I had been disciplined with a belt, screams and some type of hitting. She was extremely strict and overprotective. Add to this the fact that we never had a stable place to live in. Since we where by definition below poverty line, we were constantly moving. I can say that growing up in the United States the longest we stayed in one home was close to two years. At around the age of 15 I became extremely violent and angry. I would answer my Mom back for everything. I would tell her I hate her. I broke things, yelled and sneaked out of the house. Her response was to become more aggressive in her discipline and curfew. She started reading my diary behind my back, and threatening that she was going to have me arrested, disown me and leave me in a juvenile home. It became unbearable to live at home and I started actively saying that I was going to kill myself. I'm not sure what my Mom was thinking when I would threaten her with these words, but I can certainly say she was not taking it seriously. It wasn't until I ended up being admitted into a psychiatric ward for attempted suicide that she finally realized how serious I was. This was probably the first time I learned that often the greatest tragedies in life end up being the biggest blessings in disguise. This couldn't have been more true for my Mom. Through this incident my Mom began getting the therapy and medicine she needed for her own depression, anxiety and traumas. One of these traumas was being a survivor of domestic violence. My Mom began her healing process through therapy. Therapy allowed her the privilege to talk about her problems without feeling judged. When I chose to go away for college against her will my Mom was devastated. In her book you didn't leave home unless you were married. So her prediction for me was that I would be back within the year pregnant and very sorry.
Fortunately, for my relationship with my Mom the years afforded both of us the time to understand and realize all of our mistakes. I know my Mom made many choices in her life that did not help my depression and suicidal thoughts. I believe that if she would have been more aware and informed she would have probably saved me years of pain and quite possibly put me on the path towards self acceptance. That is why if you are a parent with a teenager who you feel is out of control and you feel helpless to do anything about their out of control behavior please DO NOT give up. If you care enough and love them enough you will hold on, keep faith and know that it will get better.
Around the age of 15 I began to feel intense anxiety and anger. In school I was quiet and shy but at home it was a battle zone. Unknowingly my Mom was adding to my growing depression. It took many years for me to understand that she was just trying to discipline me the only way she knew how and probably the way she was raised. But all of the things she was saying and doing where a constant reaffirmation of how hopeless and worthless I was feeling inside. Up and until the age of about 13 I had been disciplined with a belt, screams and some type of hitting. She was extremely strict and overprotective. Add to this the fact that we never had a stable place to live in. Since we where by definition below poverty line, we were constantly moving. I can say that growing up in the United States the longest we stayed in one home was close to two years. At around the age of 15 I became extremely violent and angry. I would answer my Mom back for everything. I would tell her I hate her. I broke things, yelled and sneaked out of the house. Her response was to become more aggressive in her discipline and curfew. She started reading my diary behind my back, and threatening that she was going to have me arrested, disown me and leave me in a juvenile home. It became unbearable to live at home and I started actively saying that I was going to kill myself. I'm not sure what my Mom was thinking when I would threaten her with these words, but I can certainly say she was not taking it seriously. It wasn't until I ended up being admitted into a psychiatric ward for attempted suicide that she finally realized how serious I was. This was probably the first time I learned that often the greatest tragedies in life end up being the biggest blessings in disguise. This couldn't have been more true for my Mom. Through this incident my Mom began getting the therapy and medicine she needed for her own depression, anxiety and traumas. One of these traumas was being a survivor of domestic violence. My Mom began her healing process through therapy. Therapy allowed her the privilege to talk about her problems without feeling judged. When I chose to go away for college against her will my Mom was devastated. In her book you didn't leave home unless you were married. So her prediction for me was that I would be back within the year pregnant and very sorry.
Fortunately, for my relationship with my Mom the years afforded both of us the time to understand and realize all of our mistakes. I know my Mom made many choices in her life that did not help my depression and suicidal thoughts. I believe that if she would have been more aware and informed she would have probably saved me years of pain and quite possibly put me on the path towards self acceptance. That is why if you are a parent with a teenager who you feel is out of control and you feel helpless to do anything about their out of control behavior please DO NOT give up. If you care enough and love them enough you will hold on, keep faith and know that it will get better.