I began my journey of healing August 2015. At the time, I was living in between chaos and sanity. These two worlds waged a battle inside my head. The chaos was the drinking, the belief that I was worthless, self-sabotaging acts, and hating my life. The sanity was my family, the unconditional love I have for my son, friends, caring people and my yogi community. Fast forward to present time and my life has drastically changed, as I have incorporated healthy habits, a loving environment, therapy and meds, as well as a continuous daily practice of yoga and meditation. In the interim I managed to land several jobs as a yoga teacher and bookkeeper that give me the ability to provide for Frankie and myself. All was in a state of rhythmic positivity. A shift towards a healthy and stable life finally seemed attainable. What I did not know, was that chaos was patiently waiting for the right set of circumstances to return, with a vengeance!
I was abandoned, you might say, by my Mother at the age of three. She left me in the care of a second cousin who lived with her family on a coffee plantation field in a small city named Marsella in Colombia. The woman, Esperansa (translated Hope), abused me mercilessly. I developed coping skills of running away, hiding and being as quiet as I could be so as not to be heard or seen. The deep seated belief that was created in my subconscious around this trauma was that I was worthless and undeserving of love. As an adult these coping skills and beliefs translated into deep seated anger, sadness and the feeling that I would never be happy. Therefore, when anything happens in my life that is remotely negative it lands like a demolition ball hitting concrete.
It began in December with an unfortunate event. At the time, I was working with five different employers, each was a stepping stone towards a carefully thought out positive and healthy future. Until, one of my employers told me he had to let me go for the month due to financial circumstances. That small shift in my environment caused panic inside my head. Let me explain, I have a long history of being unable to maintain jobs or a steady income and one of my biggest fears is that I will loose everything that I have worked so hard to attain. Innocently, another boss sends out a staff e-mail meant to be positive and encouraging but in my mind it translates into, “I'm going to loose this job as well.” What happens? A huge argument with my employer that leads to my own actions of quitting a job I loved. After that, “It all went down hill.” Depression began to rap its gnarled fingers around my mind and the suicidal thoughts start creeping in. On cue, the universe attunes to my energy and the next day I walk into another of my jobs only to find disarray. I am told we might be facing a police raid and to not open the door to anybody! It all feels like I'm a character in a really bad horror film meant to destroy the star of the show, ME. I leave work with only one thought, “I need a drink.” At this point everything I have worked so hard to create starts falling to the way side. All I can think about is, “what do I need to do to survive December?” I am now making choices based on fear. Instead of turning to the support network I have built, I land in the arms of my old friends that promise fast relief from this pain; alcohol and self-sabotaging acts that leave me feeling worthless and unloved. I am chaos.
There is a deeper problem, I am taking medication and now I am mixing it with alcohol. It begins with a minor eye twitch and escalades to feeling extremely uncomfortable of being in my own body, panic sets in. All I am able to do is creep back into bed and sleep it off. This becomes a week long routine of extreme agitation and fatigue. The suicidal thoughts become stronger. In that moment of pure darkness, I make a life-and-death decision, I begin to pray. I pray myself to sleep. My prayer is answered the next morning, through a phone call from my stepbrother who is also a practicing nurse. Almost as if the voice of God is speaking at me, I get his warning. “Sis, you need to stop drinking right now, do you know that mixing alcohol with the medicine you are taking is only negating the medicines' effect and you might as well not be taking anything.” Here it is, a small ray of light. Enough to allow me to see the green meadow that has always been on the other side.
I make a conscious decision that I want to live for my son, my family and myself. I start speaking openly to my friends and family about what is truly going on in my life. They respond with support, concern and love. My therapists begins to see me twice a week and I am given more medications. My support network is strong and I can breath hope into my life. Hope... is it a coincidence that the main perpetrator of my abuse as a child was named Hope?
“My hope is in You, God
I am steadfast, I will not be moved
I'm anchored, never shaken
All my hope is in You” Hope's Anthem
December came and went. The moments of unfortunate events flowed into January, as I lost another job, due to unforeseen financial circumstances. This time, I take it like a soldier waging in battle ready for the next attack to come my way. On cue, the universe responds, another job opportunity. I realize that this change is meant to be a sign of growth. I am given a very special gift, that gift is faith. The faith to know that change is life guiding me on my journey.
As February slowly moves in, I am committed to a daily practice of yoga and meditation. To moving forth with Sandra's S.O.U.L. Path and reaching Level 2 of my Baptiste training. Most importantly I am committed to myself and the role I play as a Mom, a member of my community and an example to all those who have fallen into the darkness. I am HOPE.
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