About a year ago I made a decision that my son should be in therapy. The decision was mainly made because I noticed he was having tantrum outburst and rather than simply dismiss them as “a stage he's going through” I put him in therapy. Thus he attends a summer therapeutic program offered through Staten Island Mental Health Society, in addition to this camp, my son also attends private family counseling through the JCC. At the camp they work on different coping skills, which they very nicely entitled Journey of Hope. Recently they worked on Fear and had him draw a person containing bubbles with scribbles and drawings stemming from different body parts. What was most interesting about this exercise is that they performed it at a time that I had been struggling greatly with my own fears. When I discussed the drawing with his counselor she educated me on the fact that we teach our children our own fears. To know that I was passing on my own fears to my son was alarming. As parents we consciously try and teach our children how to survive so that they can have the best chance to achieve success as adults. But what happens when we unconsciously teach them coping skills that can have damaging effects on their self-esteem, confidence and decision making?
From my son's fears, I now realize that my own fears of the unknown have dominated most of my existence and have sabotaged my good decision making. As the therapist dissected my sons' scribbles (which where mainly about fears of the dark, monsters and heights) she informed me that his fears where based on the unknown. This was daunting for me because most of my fears and anxieties always contained a “what if...” or “I don't know but I'm scared I'm not going to be able to...” and I sleep with a night light because I'm also afraid of the dark. Clearly my own fears must have stemmed from those who where my caretakers. And since my childhood was filled with instability, which included questionable adults and child molesters, there's no wonder why I grew up making such shitty decisions. You do realize that this is a great opportunity for me to start blaming and accusing my horrible existence and great misfortune to other people who where just acting upon what they themselves had been taught, and thus continue the cycle of abusive fear. Instead I'm going to tell you that I refuse to lay blame on anyone for my own fears or anxieties. AND once I do this I am saying, “No, I am not a victim of circumstance!” and “Yes, I have the power to control my bad behavior.” Why is it so important that we realize that every decision that comes from fear is 'us' or 'the ego' saying “I don't trust that the universe can support me.” We separate ourselves from reality and live in illusion every time we allow fear to guide us.
But here's the real dilemma what happens when most of your upbringing was filled with abuse, hate and abandonment. What then? What type of universe do you think has been created in that mind? For myself, I can tell you my universe has been unsafe, unfair, filled with dangers and constant let-downs. Having the knowledge that I am passing on this type of universe to my son is to say the least, disturbing. That alone, should be enough, to make any caring parent who has been living in constant worry and anxiety choose the path of healing. What is the path of healing? FORGIVENESS. Just choose to forgive. Make the decision that it's worth it. I choose to forgive because I choose joy. I choose to forgive because I'm done living in pain. I choose to forgive because I want to be happy. It's that simple. Just choose: joy or fear.
With much love,
Sandra
From my son's fears, I now realize that my own fears of the unknown have dominated most of my existence and have sabotaged my good decision making. As the therapist dissected my sons' scribbles (which where mainly about fears of the dark, monsters and heights) she informed me that his fears where based on the unknown. This was daunting for me because most of my fears and anxieties always contained a “what if...” or “I don't know but I'm scared I'm not going to be able to...” and I sleep with a night light because I'm also afraid of the dark. Clearly my own fears must have stemmed from those who where my caretakers. And since my childhood was filled with instability, which included questionable adults and child molesters, there's no wonder why I grew up making such shitty decisions. You do realize that this is a great opportunity for me to start blaming and accusing my horrible existence and great misfortune to other people who where just acting upon what they themselves had been taught, and thus continue the cycle of abusive fear. Instead I'm going to tell you that I refuse to lay blame on anyone for my own fears or anxieties. AND once I do this I am saying, “No, I am not a victim of circumstance!” and “Yes, I have the power to control my bad behavior.” Why is it so important that we realize that every decision that comes from fear is 'us' or 'the ego' saying “I don't trust that the universe can support me.” We separate ourselves from reality and live in illusion every time we allow fear to guide us.
But here's the real dilemma what happens when most of your upbringing was filled with abuse, hate and abandonment. What then? What type of universe do you think has been created in that mind? For myself, I can tell you my universe has been unsafe, unfair, filled with dangers and constant let-downs. Having the knowledge that I am passing on this type of universe to my son is to say the least, disturbing. That alone, should be enough, to make any caring parent who has been living in constant worry and anxiety choose the path of healing. What is the path of healing? FORGIVENESS. Just choose to forgive. Make the decision that it's worth it. I choose to forgive because I choose joy. I choose to forgive because I'm done living in pain. I choose to forgive because I want to be happy. It's that simple. Just choose: joy or fear.
With much love,
Sandra
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