Lately in my life I've been experiencing what I interpret as disappointments. Mainly it feels as if I am struggling to survive and everything and everyone is a constant let down towards my progression. Most recently these “let downs” have become reopened sores as I struggle to create a lifestyle that is supporting my growth as a yogi and a writer. This “struggle” to make it in a career choice or endeavor has been a constant theme in my life. Somehow the theme always leads back to my stepping foot into a strip club or some type of compromising life damaging situation to make a quick buck. This “quick buck” scheme puts me in dangerous situations with callous people who dehumanize and destroy every effort I am making towards healing my wounded self. And yet I keep going back to it, like a masochist waiting for her next fix. Only this time it's different because now I'm doing it with full consciousness of my self sabotaging decision and yet I still make the decision. Why?
[From this point forward I will refer to an entity which I like to call “The Voice.” It is what I have grown to know as the filter which has dominated most of my existence of who I believed I was.]
The morning I was packing to leave for my Level 1- Journey Into Power yoga training with the Baptiste Institute, I felt every part of my being resisting the journey. There was “the voice” inside my head that kept telling me, “this is to much for you, what are you doing? You're going to loose, don't bother.” And the more I tried to ignore “the voice”, the louder it became. When I stopped everything I was doing to acknowledged it, the crying began. Crying was all I could do before pure terror set in and paralyzed me from taking this journey. The first three days of my training felt like total torture, as we were forced to take on what can be called, “a breaking down of the ego.” Pure intensive physical and emotional exercises designed to test every ounce of your will power and personal strength. Once the sharing started, I tried the best I could to always come in last because I wanted to avoid the front of the room at all cost. I sat in pure horror as I witnessed Baron fish out and expose the lies these people (who had willingly volunteered sharing) were telling themselves. When Karen, one of the leaders and owner of 5BPY, challenged me to raise my hand to share, I sheepishly said, “I would.” In our meditations Baron had offered a constant reassurance and reminder that, “All Is Well.” As I stood up to share what I thought was a breakthrough in my meditation experience, “the voice” suddenly became quiet and it said, “I don't believe you when you say All Is Well.”
Trying to tell myself that All Is Well felt like a big fat lie. Because everything was far from being well. I was one step away from being on welfare and food stamps and here I was trying to take on this super expensive training. Ad to that, the fact that I knew that all of the previous attempts I had given myself in the past to progress had been complete failures. So what would be different this time? The difference this time was the amazing love and support that I was receiving from everyone I encountered and everyone I shared my story with. A shift was taking place and I was finally speaking from a place of truth. I was being completely authentic with where I was, despite it being absolutely uncomfortable. I began to understand that All Is Well doesn't have to mean that everything is perfect in my life. All Is Well meant to allow myself TO BE. To know that now I may be suffering but that doesn't have to be true tomorrow. The Course In Miracles speaks to the steps that must be taken before full healing can actually take place. The first is a “period of undoing.” It states, “This need not be painful, but it usually is so experienced. It seems as if things are being taken away, and it is rarely understood initially that their lack of value is merely being recognized.”
[This is a moment of awareness. Please take this step with me as I give full acknowledgment to an entity that has made my life miserable.]
To “the voice” I would like to say I acknowledge your pain. I acknowledge your suffering, your complains and everything you've been through. But I'm not going to believe you anymore. You have taken on a very torturous existence for the sake of being miserable. Because you believe that being worthless is the only state of being there is. And rather than ignore you or shut you out, I will prove to you that worthless is not my state of being. Awareness and growth is my new existence. I may still be making lousy choices, but for every lousy choice there is a healthier stronger choice taking its place. It manifest in my taking the time to write or practice my yoga despite being tired. It manifest in my acknowledging and respecting my self-value. Most importantly it manifest through the reassurance that I receive everyday from family, friends and strangers that what I am doing has value.
I took on My Baptiste training because I AM in full awareness of who I want to be. I know I am in training to become a leader and to be of service to those who are searching to ease their pains. I know that my standing in the Belief of who I AM now, gives others the strength and permission they need to believe it for themselves. With LOVE, Sandra
[From this point forward I will refer to an entity which I like to call “The Voice.” It is what I have grown to know as the filter which has dominated most of my existence of who I believed I was.]
The morning I was packing to leave for my Level 1- Journey Into Power yoga training with the Baptiste Institute, I felt every part of my being resisting the journey. There was “the voice” inside my head that kept telling me, “this is to much for you, what are you doing? You're going to loose, don't bother.” And the more I tried to ignore “the voice”, the louder it became. When I stopped everything I was doing to acknowledged it, the crying began. Crying was all I could do before pure terror set in and paralyzed me from taking this journey. The first three days of my training felt like total torture, as we were forced to take on what can be called, “a breaking down of the ego.” Pure intensive physical and emotional exercises designed to test every ounce of your will power and personal strength. Once the sharing started, I tried the best I could to always come in last because I wanted to avoid the front of the room at all cost. I sat in pure horror as I witnessed Baron fish out and expose the lies these people (who had willingly volunteered sharing) were telling themselves. When Karen, one of the leaders and owner of 5BPY, challenged me to raise my hand to share, I sheepishly said, “I would.” In our meditations Baron had offered a constant reassurance and reminder that, “All Is Well.” As I stood up to share what I thought was a breakthrough in my meditation experience, “the voice” suddenly became quiet and it said, “I don't believe you when you say All Is Well.”
Trying to tell myself that All Is Well felt like a big fat lie. Because everything was far from being well. I was one step away from being on welfare and food stamps and here I was trying to take on this super expensive training. Ad to that, the fact that I knew that all of the previous attempts I had given myself in the past to progress had been complete failures. So what would be different this time? The difference this time was the amazing love and support that I was receiving from everyone I encountered and everyone I shared my story with. A shift was taking place and I was finally speaking from a place of truth. I was being completely authentic with where I was, despite it being absolutely uncomfortable. I began to understand that All Is Well doesn't have to mean that everything is perfect in my life. All Is Well meant to allow myself TO BE. To know that now I may be suffering but that doesn't have to be true tomorrow. The Course In Miracles speaks to the steps that must be taken before full healing can actually take place. The first is a “period of undoing.” It states, “This need not be painful, but it usually is so experienced. It seems as if things are being taken away, and it is rarely understood initially that their lack of value is merely being recognized.”
[This is a moment of awareness. Please take this step with me as I give full acknowledgment to an entity that has made my life miserable.]
To “the voice” I would like to say I acknowledge your pain. I acknowledge your suffering, your complains and everything you've been through. But I'm not going to believe you anymore. You have taken on a very torturous existence for the sake of being miserable. Because you believe that being worthless is the only state of being there is. And rather than ignore you or shut you out, I will prove to you that worthless is not my state of being. Awareness and growth is my new existence. I may still be making lousy choices, but for every lousy choice there is a healthier stronger choice taking its place. It manifest in my taking the time to write or practice my yoga despite being tired. It manifest in my acknowledging and respecting my self-value. Most importantly it manifest through the reassurance that I receive everyday from family, friends and strangers that what I am doing has value.
I took on My Baptiste training because I AM in full awareness of who I want to be. I know I am in training to become a leader and to be of service to those who are searching to ease their pains. I know that my standing in the Belief of who I AM now, gives others the strength and permission they need to believe it for themselves. With LOVE, Sandra
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